Nervous/Anxiety much???

I am clearly dragging my feet on this having these babies issue.
On the one hand I clearly don't want to have a C-section at any cost, but on the other hand I am not sure I want to go through all the potentially painful process of labor and delivery twice (and then of course all the after birth as well - eeewww)
Then late night drama tv has all these discovery health channel programming gems that have you watching people having babies that didn't know they were pregnant and all kinds of other pregnancy/delivery related dramatic horror stories that make for awesome TV except when I know I shouldnt be watching them so as not to add to my anxiety.
Since I was already at the hopsital once during this pregnancy and ran through a battery of questions, I know that the epidural is encouraged in twin pregnancies in the likelyhood that there may be the eventual need to extract the baby via surgery. Not sure how I feel about the epidural at this point. I didn't have time for one with Yael and with Jonathan once I finally gave in and got one I don't know why I didn't do it sooner since I was dealing with unnatural doses of the devil drug pitocin. At this point, I was already scheduled to have a bed at the hospital on my birthday and somehow my silver-tongued husband talked his way into making them move the date-which I loved!!! (likely including an induction with the breaking of the waters and the dreaded pitocin encouragement, but I don't have to like it.) If I can I will see if they will let me walk around a little before they strap me to all the machines and the IV so as to get the juices flowing naturally as much as possible, and since the last few days walking around much at all has been kind difficult anyway, I'm not sure that it would take long at all.
In fact last night at one point I woke up extremely hot and caught a wave of nausea (I slept in the recliner sitting up on a towel just in case last night, but I don't have that feeling for tonight-at least not right now) and thought that maybe it was time, but then I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't. Maybe I am shutting down my own labor as a mind over matter thing??? Doubtful, but just maybe???
Getting into and outta bed has been challenging. My pelvic joint where the inner thigh is connected has been extremely painful on the left side (Baby B must be standing on my hip bone) and right before I had all the loosening of the joints with the pre-term labor scare 6 weeks ago, I was having serious issues with the joints of my right foot cracking and generally hurting.
And right now over the last few days because of some of my food choices, the heat, and lack of sufficient hydration (I can only stand to go to the water cooler and bathroom a certain number of times in one day) no matter how many bottles of water I chug...I still feel more swollen in my feet and hands.

Traded in the car seats that were gifted to me since they were not what I was looking for. They were convertible to use both as infant seats and for larger toddlers. They were perfectly practical, (working with engineers, what do you expect?) but not what I need at this stage for a double infant stroller where I can keep the kids in the infant seat and snap it into the stroller or car as needed with a minimum of juggling actual infants around. So, still need to get the car seat issue ironed out before we can even take them home from the hospital and now the dilemma is whether to go for the more expensive Graco where I have a plethora of extra bases for all the extra drivers in my life? or to go with the slightly less expensive Evenflo where the Z formation design of the handle leads me to belive it would be more easily maneuverable - more steady and less likely for me to bump the kiddos around too much.

Then of course I expect a litany of visitors, more likely at my tornado-struck, clutterfied home than at the hospital. Can't tell when I'll have to plan a party (bris) cause I don't know how healthy they will be...Might have them over a holiday weekend which could be good because I could get visitors to the hospital too, but then again, it may not be so good cause the hospital might be understaffed.

Plus, all the usual anxiety stuff with how the older kids will react to all this chaos.
As it is, my carefully though out plan to have them taken care of from morning to night at summer camp has resulted in a cranky Yoni almost every night, despite the fact that I know he is having a blast at camp!
And I hope that I will be able to balance caring for the newborns, myself and the older kids all at the same time after having been sat on my butt for over a month and not even bothering to get in the kitchen to make all the yummy things I wanted to (quiches and casseroles and smoothies and desserts and doughs for the freezer, so all I would have to do would be to pull something out) or do all the other litany of house projects that I should have been doing in the meantime while waiting (like cleaning out the drawers of things that are too small for Yael)

Yaelisms #35482

Been awhile since we visited some of Yael's cutest sayings. don't know if I have a whole post worth's but here are some recent ones:

Family - is a variation - falimy
Forever: foreber and eber and eber
If you ask her name she may be inclined to tell you that it is : Yael NetanelNamer which is pretty close. She runs her middle name into her last name and leaves out a syllable [Yael Netanella Namer], but it is oh so cute!
She is very verbal and loves girly things like nail polish and "lips" [chapstick or sparkly gloss] and "pretty hair" [pony tails], and her big brother has an amazing thing with numbers and puzzles...

At the present moment she is doing her version of what she calls lego: matching clear lids to the small pencil sharpeners I bought in bulk thinking I'd use them in favor bags and then they got lost in the playroom, which is where she found the lot of them.

She has STILL never met a stranger as she followed the leader of the sibling class and sat next to her during demonstration time (swaddling the baby) and then had lots to babble about as she stayed near her throughout the hospital tour while I hung toward the back in my wheelie-chair.

Should kids have best friends?

Here is yet another article that I have an opinion that I want to share. Don't really care if it fits the article or not, but it draws from my personal experiences as of now.

My 6 year old has a best friend and some stand-in best friends, and then some kids that he knows but doesn't really have a strong opinion about. And I'm sure there are also some kids he just flat-out doesn't like, but I have yet to hear about those and unfortunately, I don't have time to hover around the playground and intensely scrutinize his interactions with the other kids. Some of that attitude is my generally hands-off approach and some of that is the fact that he is his own person and I need to let him learn to deal with people in his own way.
And he is a boy. Boys generally don't have such cliqueish issues as girls, and especially at this young age, although it is easy to see the beginnings of the social climate being formed.
Along this regard, I have been struggling with the camp placement in groups for this summer. One reason I choose to send him to the camp I do is that he has an opportunity to break free a little bit from his religiously structured private-schoool existence and to intercact with some friends that he knew before we forced him down that track. Somehow, even despite my request to the contrary, and that he be placed with those kids that are not part of his everyday life at the moment, he was placed with the private school kids. It hurts my heart becuase I wanted him to be with some old friends from preschool that wouldn't let him onto the baseball team I wanted [because it was already full] and it caused this season to be pretty awful, whereas they had a fun time all season.

However, the playing field with my 3 year old is even more pronounced. She has her friends that she likes and they like her [thank goodness for that] Then there are the friends that she likes that don't particularly care for her [ouch] And of course there are those kids that she just doesn't like [also ouch] She is on the small side in stature but a force to be reckoned with in her personality. She is already getting her feelings hurt when some of the larger kids refer to her as "baby" This week I taught her to parrot that most all important phrase of small kids everywhere "Good things come in small packages" Of course, she doesn't comprehend what the words mean yet and half the time she can't quite get out the whole phrase, but the foundation is being poured. At least she will have something to say that won't exacerbate the situation when she gets a little older.

More strange pregnancy dreams

So a few days ago I had one of those weird symbolic pregnancy dreams everyone talks about.
It was after a particularly hard night where I didn't get any sleep but then slept like the dead for several hours the following day.
It was also right around the time I took possession of my certified used car, which is brand new to me and loaded with more features than I have ever seen in one vehicle.

The dream goes like this:
Italicized text: dream world
Standard text: real world
I have 6-8 kids loaded into my old CR-V [The new car has room for 8 passengers]
They are mostly my son's best friends and their siblings: Elie, Eyal, Leeor, Ido, Yoni, Yael and maybe even a few more...
All the kids are doubled up on booster seats - 2 per seat, one in front of the other, attached to the back seat of the car by one seat belt.

Meanwhile, in the real world it has been a struggle for me to help make sure my kids are secure cause I can't lean over them to help buckle and tighten the seat belt properly. Good thing for the most part they can do it themselves.

The next thing I know, I am riding a 10-speed bicycle [lately my friend has been on a health kick and turning up periodically at my house for a schmooze on her bicycle - It's only 2 neighborhoods over, likely a 15 minute cycle ride] and all the kids are behind me on those booster chairs, strapped in 2 deep.

Then the next thing I know, I am riding past one Elie's mother [who is the Rabbi's wife] who is wearing a purple scarf head covering. And as I speed past her she is jogging in a long denim skirt and 3/4 length T-shirt, but she doesn't see me and that is good because Elie is no longer with me. I know that she knows I have him, and normally I am a responsible person and would not abandon anyone's kids, but I have most definitely lost this kid and all the others. The only ones I have with me are Eyal and Leeor [who are brothers] and they are now both strapped in the old-school style baby seat that is mounted on the back of the bicycle.

As I quickly cycle past the Rabbi's wife [Gabi] whose back is always to me, I find myself in a limestone, ivy-lined courtyard with a beautiful fountain [a very calming location and out of place in the suburban Houston we inhabit, much more reminiscent of some tranquil garden in England or a ritzy neighborhood in Israel] and I get the feeling that I have just passed Gabi's house at one end of the neighborhood on the way to Dana's apartment at the other end. The proximity of their houses in my dream may represent the fact that in my mind they are more involved in the day to day lives of the kids at school because they are in closer proximity to what is happening [Dana is PTO co-president and Gabi's husband is the Rabbi of the shul where the pre-school is housed] [Dana is also Eyal/Leeor's mother, who lives in a 2-story house that they recently refurbished in an older neighborhood near the school the older boys will be going to next year. She had a baby girl in March and planned the kids' graduation bowling party recently. After she gave birth, I offered to take her boys for a sleep over so she could get some time with the baby. That never actually materialized, but it still might.] So I am returning her boys after the playdate on the back of the bicycle, which in and of itself is rather strange, but my children are not with me nor are the other kids who were on the playdate.

Normally, Israelis are very hospitable and almost insist you stay for coffee and a cookie or something, but she is sitting at a computer desk in a small outer-office-like room off the courtyard [I don't know what her occupation is] but for whatever reason, whether she is just busy or she can tell I am stressed about something, or maybe she had to feed the baby, she just pretty much lets me drop off the boys and leave in a hurry.

At some point before I drop off Eyal and Leeor I realize I have lost my car with no idea of where it could even be and that seems to register almost more than the fact that the kids were still in it. But somehow I also know that the kids are ok and not inside the lost car. I kinda get the feeling that they are on a grassy patch somewhere, either a park or a back yard, kicking around a ball. Elie and Yoni are the best of friends and generally good boys and I know that between the two of them, they won't be getting in any real trouble or hurting themselves. I also know that they are "kinda" watching over their younger siblings [Yael and Ami] without letting them bother them too much.
Guess I expect and attribute lots of real responsibility to and from my kids.

It may or may not be of interest that most of the friends in the dream are Yoni's [and the ones that I know and like the most] and that he claimed loudly and on several occasions to not like our old car. Now, he and his little sister LOVE the new car because it has a TV and sliding electric doors and a sunroof like grandpa's, etc, etc, etc...
So what if it is not brand new, it is new to us and we are loving it...all 3 times that I've driven it so far.

I read this pregnancy article (click here) and just had to share a few thoughts:
Agreed, completely agreed, well kinda...
In the past I have somehow managed to continue my routine and semblance of life, well kinda....
My pregnancy mantra has always been "I'm not broken, I'm just pregnant."
Well this time around, as I get closer to the end - with a double whammy of unexpected spontaneous twins, I have decided that maybe I am just a little broken.
There are some things that I just cannot do, like reach the floor or tie my own shoes. And I haven't been able to for months. And when I would sit at my desk in my office with a door and a personal printer (which I didn't have before) I would sometimes get too uncomfortable to sit any longer, and walking around was also somehow painful - either from the extra pregnancy weight or from the shard of glass in my continually strained right foot.

With my first child, I had a high risk pregnancy in which my blood pressure sky-rocketed and I was hospitalized 3 different times. It wasn't such a big deal for me as I didn't have a child at home to contend with and my teaching hours had been cut way back.
Then I contracted an infection which most people have an immunity to by the time they are 3 years old, but somehow I caught it in my first trimester, which of course is the most critical in passing it and the possibility of myriad birth defects and disorders along to the fetus.
But in my heart of hearts, I knew he was ok and despite all the tests that indicated that he did indeed have the disease in the amniotic fluid, and was likely to be born with it. In any case, I didn't need the tests to know that all was going to be ok.
Then he had IUGR either because of the CMV or my high BP, wherein the uterus was no longer the best place for him to grow so the drs decided to induce me. I had always joked that I would drive myself to the hospital and indeed in this case I did!
The induction was at 36 weeks and it was incredibly slow. The first part didn't proceed at all and the pitocin was administered incorrectly, so when they finally got the show on the road, it was unbearable.
As I was still screaming my head off while the young blonde Russian night nurse was calmly telling me that she had seen other martyrs and could put in the order to end the suffering right now or wait until I was good and ready. Finally, the epidural anaesthesiologist arrived and then he was taking his sweet time plodding on about his business and explaining things to me that I couldn't care less about or comprehend at that point. I had no intention of getting the epidural in the first place so he should have been quick about it so I wouldn't change my mind, but I capitualted in the end and couldn't sign the form fast enough!

I was exhilarated when pregnant with my girl child. I had tons of energy for the most part, I even endured a month or so of contractions at my desk and a really oppressive personality conflict at the office to boot, as well as a corporate merger and a twice hospitalized child during that pregnancy. And to top it all off, I worked up until the day she was born. Just woke up that morning knowing something was different and lo and behold, within 3 hours I was holding my perfect princess. I crowed to the world that I LOVED being pregnant and it was really true.

This time around, not so much.
This time I had been blessed with spontaneous twins, plus my advanced maternal age (I am only on the cusp at 35, but it generally requires closer watching) and was at least 30 lbs heavier than I would have liked to be when we found out. Plus I was a massive hormonal mess and fought a lot with everyone, including my in-laws who can only rarely make a visit, but an extended one nonetheless.
And then I had strange discharge from one breast and had to have 3 extra checks for that (and a follow-up after the babes are born).
And then, every test I did I failed and had to redo.
Failed the early 1 hr glucose tolerance screen so I had to do the 3 hour test - and then do it again at the normally scheduled time of the pregnancy. In Israel, I don't remember ever doing a 1 hr screen, they just sent me straight for the 3 hr test, which turned out fine. With my daughter, I just refused to do it altogether. And the dr tried and tried, time and again to get me to do it, I was just a little overwhelmed and couldn't imagine spending 3 hours at the clinic for hourly blood draws.
Failed the blood draw for the chromosomal screen so had to undergo amniocentesis, done by a specialist. Turns out twins often give off false positives for this screen. Had undergone amnio with my first-born for quite another reason altogether (in-utero CMV), but at the time, my outlook was so positive and my faith was so strong (that I would just KNOW if anything was wrong) that I only agreed to all the extra tests to pacify my freaked out husband and the teams of drs.
This time, I had a scary bleeding episode after a late-night freak rainstorm (when my mother and father were out of pocket of course) and ended up in the hospital for observation.
Nurse at that time noticed a contraction that I didn't even realize was a contraction, I just chalked it up to extra strong fetal movements. Then she charted 3 more contractions in a 20 minute non-stress test strip. And they still sent me home for the holiday weekend with instructions to see my dr at the first possible opportunity. Also sent me home on antibiotics (due to leukocytes in my urine sample) and I wonder if either a UTI or bladder infection didn't trigger the bleeding episode to begin with.
In any case, a few days later in quite a dramatic fashion, I had a bloody show that was quite impressive (since I never had such a thing before). Of course, my 3-yr old daughter chose that particular moment to barge into the bathroom on me. She caught me with a look of horror plastered on my face and a big mess on my hands, and I had to think on the fly, while flustered myself, that she would only understand that I had had some kind of dramatic BM.

My dr keeps seeing me weekly now and asks every time if I live close to the hospital. I assure her I can be there in less than 20 minutes which is usually the case. I am not as advanced as I was with my daughter at this stage, but then I was also not ordered home to put my feet up and to do as little as possible, which has undoubtedly made all the difference. Even my blood pressures are lower, which is inconceivable for me and my brain to handle.