Not naming names

It's an inherent part of my personality that I've come to accept and not overly judge or try to remedy. I know that I like to know secrets and keep things vague.


Hubby and I have a friend who is in the midst of a mid-life crisis or some other major life altering conundrum. They even described this point in their life as "being at a cross-road both professionally and personally" - their words. We are a lot alike in some ways and then there are very stark differences that I can comprehend from a friend point of view, but not agree with for other reasons.



Parallels in our existences include major upheavals in all the stress causing areas - and all at once. In the past few months there have been major job changes, major home renovations and general chaos in financial stability - spending more than is coming in the door. This is something I am familiar with as I had a baby, quit my job and moved to America all within a short time period causing untold amounts of stress. I figured if there was one major area of change then it would be a good time to make other changes as well. Hindsight being what it is, I don't necessarily agree with that now.
Also there is the fact that they are also a 2-income family with one parent having a more supporting than starring role in the finacial arena. And they are supporting young children in an expensive school system with many years of this ahead. Money is always a big stressor!


However, I had my partner by my side for most of my tribulations.
He couldn't stand the idea of being in Israel away from me and the baby (even though that was our original plan - for him to stay in Israel, tie up loose ends and meet me in America when I had found a place to live and a source of income) So he quickly got rid of our worldy possessions and got out of our lease agreement (all in one fell swoop - by making the deal of a lifetime for a blind Ethiopian student he worked with: namely he sold all of our furnishings along with the lease to the apt for a song, mainly because he just wanted OUT!)
Then he rejoined me and we slogged through the relocation process together (as it probably should have been from the start)



In any case, this person has seemingly made the opposite choice. There have recently been extended business trips and now a vacation with the children sans one parent which has been extremely difficult on the parent who could not attend. [I would not call that a family vacation although there are family members involved]



Then there is the case of infidelity. That is one of the poor choices that I think led to the eventual downfall of my former VP. Bad choices that snowballed into other, more serious bad choices.

My friend has also started down that road. I am blissfully unaware of the full extent of those choices and I want to keep it that way. It has all the earmarks of a terrible situation now and further down this road.

I know there have been peiods of lonliness and boredom in that marriage and the breakdown of communication is evident by some of the more public displays that have occured. I suppose out of deference to the children the fighting has not been LOUD displays (as my husband and I are sometimes guilty of - even in front of our children), but there is such a ring of truth to the adage that actions speak louder than words.



I think there are many parts of the problem including: stagnation (life can get into a rut sometimes) and intellectual boredom (concentrating on building a business is intellectually draining) and all the upheaval that has been in their living/renovation situation. Theirs is obviously a house divided - the outcome for now is two home offices and two individual bathrooms.



Now how do I support them both (they are both individuals going through this situation) knowing what I know, and being ethically torn. Plus wanting the situation to be the best for all involved?

And to make matters worse, my husband and I are not 100% on the same page - if we were taking sides in this matter which we are not cause it's not our concern. But it did make for interesting adult conversation (imagine that!).
Maybe it's because I am still torn about how I feel and who is being wronged in the situation.
But I try to remind myself that I cannot judge because I have not walked a mile in their shoes.
I only know what they choose to presentto me [or withhold] (and maybe just a little more because I have some empathy and life experience under my belt)