holiday poem

To the diligent daycare workers who take care of our babies while we are at work during the day.... to be rolled up like a graduation diploma scroll and attached with curling ribbon to their gift
(full text of poem below)

As a little babe in arms
You’ve been graced by all our charms

You help to keep us clean and dry
And put up with all our cries

Here’s a gift, just for you
A great big THANKS for all you do

There’s a candle jar to light the way
And chase away the long, hard day
A sweet aroma will fill the air
Just to show how much we care

Snuggle up in the blanket to warm yourself
And be reminded of those squirming elves
Who eagerly greet you every day
As you help them grow and laugh and play

Some sweets for you to enjoy with grace
Just a small way to put a smile on your face

We hope you love our giggles and grins
Happy Holidays from the Namer Twins
With Love – Daniel and Benjamin

activation

sorry for having to do it, but I have been getting a lot of span comments on some older posts so I have activated the word verification feature. Don't let that deter my loyal following of your commenting duties.

Gratitude Jounal: revisited

Got some interesting spam comments on a post from about a year ago.
Realized that I haven't looked back in awhile and looked at that post again.
Upon re-reading, it was, as usual, something positive that Eran had done to keep things in perspective for me. That is especially important at this juncture since he is so testy about certain things right now (our health, family, money) and how we are strapped financially to meet our regualr obligations in a timely manner.
At least he is not sullen about them as he has been in the past. This time to his credit he is not mulling over things silently in a funk, but rather discussing them daily with me in rather heated discussions that get everything out in the open and vented. And it is not even really arguing because we are in agreement on most of the things but just annoyed that things are out of our control for the most part and we just have to get over it and get on with our lives.

In any case, to keep things positive I want to show gratitude for 5 things for the next few days if I can manage it so here is installment #1:
1. We are both gainfully employed if not doing our dream job, but at least something that will provide for our families
2. Our family is growing by people and friends - both our immediate family and those we have become close to recently
3. I am grateful for the chaos that IS managing the lives of our children including playdates, teacher conferences and holiday programs that they work hard to produce for us
4. My job has allowed me to learn a new skill in coding invoices which is not necessarily transferrable in this state, but that it something else that I now know how to do in any situation once I learn the codes...Maybe I'll take a night job in medical billing for some extra cash - I used to do freelance copy editing and I miss that extra $$$ for what is essentially an easy task for me
***PHONE CALL***
5. Having an extended family that is willing to help run car-pool and basically raise my children so that I can continue to work a full -time job in order to provide a roof over their heads.

***Now I'm not as happy as I should have been. In the middle of witing this post, I was grilled about our financial status by my better half. Would that I could give him a better report so that he could come back down off the ledge...

more strange coincidences

I am already well aware that my first-born Jonathan is a special gift and a special child.
He was diagnosed with a condition (CMV) in-vitro, that was confirmed via amnioscentises, that could have had potentially dangerous life-altering outcomes including severe birth defects or learning disorders or deafness onset in childhood. In my deepest depths I knew that everything would be ok, but the doctor appointments where they explained all the possibilities really gave my husband pause and he went out into the world scared. He then somehow found himself working for extra money at the time at a swimming pool in an ultra-orthodox neighborhood where the hours for swimming were separate. He met the esteemed Rabbi Pesach F there who performed our wedding (who when I went to kallah classes in Har Nof she pulled one of his books off her bookshelf) And at the time I was pregnant with J he asked for blessings and prayers from all the Rabbbis and other religious people he saw there, feeling that their extra blessings would make things turn out ok.
Still struggling with the idea that we were blessed to raise a set of twin boys as well as Jonathan, my first born boy and my special princess Yael (who's name is a perfect fit for her), I was fiddling with Jewish birthdate calculator online.
In addition to beating the odds that he would suffer from one or all of the terrible things the doctors were predicting since he was confirmed to carry this virus, the same doctors who suggested that I consider terminating the pregnancy (Are you kidding me? This was my first pregnancy, thery were being overly cautious, and I KNEW all would turn out ok), Jonathan was born in the holy city of Jerusalem, on a Saturday (being born on Shabbat has some special significance I have been told), on the day BEFORE a leap year (could you imagine denying a kid a birthday except once every 4 years?), and he was born umla'ah (with a partial brit) which is also a special significance (so I am told) Being that he was a first born boy and my first pregnacy, he would have had a pidyon ben celebration after a month, but since my father is a Levi, meaning that his family served the cohenim and therefore my son was not to be bought back - he is the grandson of a Levi after all...
As if this was not enough special-ness for one child. February is a busy month for us celebration-wise since my husband was born on the 15th, Americans celebrate valentine's day on the 14th, and Jonathan was born on the 28th. I was fiddling around with the Hebrew birthday calendar. And it turns out that Jonathan and Eran share the same parshat ha shavua - Terumah, the first week of Adar. These are the kind of signs from above that some people don't take the time to notice. I notice, but I just don't get the full significance of these celstial "coincidences" because I feel inferior learning-wise since I don't devote my entire life to it. When I am in my family mode, it is all I think about, My work and family pieces of my life can not and do not overlap. Once I arrive at the office I am who I am (albeit a hard worker and a little outta place as the only Jew in the company) Once I leave the premesis, I become super mama bear and hope that I will get back to the other side of town to get the babies and not disappoint them. At this stage, I am more about hoping I get there on time so that the day care lady can go home to her family. Then I go get the "big kids" and am assaulted at the door with hugs and kisses (the best end to the day) and then its home again and off to bed!

4

Sunday was Yaeli's 4th birthday and the twins are both 4 months old.
The theme of 4 comes in 3s and 7 are the days of the week
(shabbat is the 7th day of creation)
Deep Thoughts before my usually rushed Tuesday morning staff meeting.
That is alll.

anthem

So my oldest son is OBSESSED with sports. I don't know how this phenomenon came about but I will admit that I might have sparked an interest when I received comp tickets to a few baseball games and slyly convinced my dad that he should take the kids. Of course I had no idea that it would blossom into such an addiction. He will avidly watch and be totally consumed by baseball, football, soccer, basktball, car racing, bull riding and just about anything that has a color announcer giving commentary.

One of my favorite memories is when he had a play date at our house with the Rabbi's son who when I spoke to his mother I convinced her to let him come over to watch the SuperBowl since I had ordered a party package from Bnei Akiva and that there would be no issue of not having kosher enough food for him to eat.

Recently we were watching one of the games of the World Series. But let me back-track by explaining that over the summer he went to see another Astros game with his day camp where he received a paper schedule of the season's games. That ragged piece of paper was like his bible. And he got upset when it got torn on the seams from overuse (I dilligently taped it back together for him like a good mama). He checked it daily, numerous times a day to see when his beloved Astros were playing and where. And our lives were scheduled around when he could be home to see the opening pitch (even though he was aware that there are at least 9 innings to watch) And one day I made the mistake (maybe?) of showing him how to access the Astros website on the computer from a search engine (I can explain it as a learning experinece since he had to know how to spell and to type the letters) so that occasionally he would want to use the computer to see the previous game's score or the see when they were scheduled if the paper scehdule had gotten misplaced.

So back to the original story at hand...
We were at home one evening recently and about to watch one of the final games of the World Series. Well we were absently (so I thought) watching the pre-game activities around dinner time and somehow at the appropriate appointed time the national anthem came on. I have to say that it was a priceless moment to watch my son stand solemnly at attention at his little table in front of the TV and sing HaTikva with all his heart while the Star Spangled Banner was emitting from the television. Eran and I exchanged glances and tried to conceal our kvelling and our mirth and merriment. Jonathan was the recipient of some extra hugs and hair ruffling that day :)

Thank you for your attention. Now you may return to your regularly scheduled activities.

MESS

Sick babies can still make their notable milestones.
Took off on Wed to take Baby Benjamin to the dr since his cough made him sound so miserable. Poor thing has a conformed virus combined with ear infection needing antibiotics. And apparently lots of antibotics. 3.5 ml twice a day for such a small thing (he's 12 lbs 7.5 oz as of his weigh in) And last night he did it - he deliberately turned over to reach for his sister's toy that she had placed within his reach, Of course his arm got stuck underneath him and he got frustrated and cried, but he did it! And he has been stretching in his bouncy chair to the right side for a few days now so much so that I am now FORCED to strap him in so I don't have to worry that he will fall out from straining to get out on that side.
I dressed them alike on purpose for the first time this AM. It was Halloween celebration at their day care and I had already bought the cute little pirate sleeper pajamas with matching hats for them. So I put them in it. And did they look cute or what. Pics to come.

I probably should mention my recent health scares just to document it for my future self. The day we went to pick up our lulav and etrog (the Sunday after Yom Kippur) I was boouncing around and playing with the kids and the next thing I know the room tilted and I got even dizzier and I knew that I was about to pass out. So I promptly sat down on the floor so I wouldn't FALL down and really cause some injury.  Then I soemhow found a nearby chair and pulled that over.
I checked my BP at work the following day and it was high (155/105) I was in to see the doctor later that week. HE put me back on BP meds and did the requisite bloodwork that would confirm what we both already knew - that I needed to be back on cholesterol medication as well.
Well fine and good. I  went back on the BP meds and he called me back to the office for test results. Not good. Cholestorol meds stat and also more BP med since it was still higher than he wanted and there was more than a trace of protein in my urine. I survived the pregnancy but my body is still paying the price apparently.
Well somehow, I took the meds as I should for a week or two and then managed to lose one of the prescription bottles in my house. The kids didn't find it, I just can't remember which of my hiding places I put it. This because I thought I had SWITCHED BP medication, not added to it.
Then last week, my body rebelled and good. Don't forget we had thrown a shower at my house Oct 2, we went out of town to a wedding in Shreveport and I had traded in my new-to-me car for a new one since they couldn't accommodate the 8 seats we had insisted upon but it was still a hassle and an unexpected expense (never putting cash money down on a new car again!) And of course the deal we got was really a take it or leave it, one time, one of a kind, situation where they "tried" to bend over backwards for us since it wasn't our fault, but somehow my payments still went up and I feel like I got screwed out of my extras....
So we were slated to be on the road again to Austin - half the amount of time as the previous weekend trip, but yet again a weekend on the road - when my body rebelled. I had the worst headache combined with nausea that I have ever had. So much so that it literally had me in tears. And I was stuck at my office. Literally. Because I was NOT about to get on the road in that condition and put myself and all the other drivers out there in danger that I would pass out and kill someone (or myself). Somehow I remembered to check my BP and the numbers were off the charts. Like astronomically. ie nearing stroke levels and higher than some of the numbers my mother was posting when she was hospitalized earlier this year for the very same thing.  180/130 was about the highest. And I couldn't get it to go down cause I felt like shit and couldn't calm myself down. This was on a Thursday I believe. Supposed to go to the party in Austin on Sunday. Didn't go on Friday as planned. Took some time to rest and relax in my own bed.

Back on all the meds now and daily I feel the effects. When I do measure my BP it is in the reasonable range. However, I have all kinds of side effects that may or may not go away, I am flushed regularly, I can feel tingling in my feet. Sometimes it feels like my ears are bleeding (or at least that something is dripping from the ear canal) and most recently, I have a tinny sensation on the tip of my tounge and the sneaking suspicion that I will be having the notable cough that is one of the familiar side effects of one of the medications. My question is when do I know if the medicine is working as it should and if the side effects are the trade off I need to have or if they are an impediment?

And there was other news at the dr that we didn't want to hear, but since it is not just my story, I will save it for another time.
Meanwhile, Jonathan and Yael have been challenging to raise lately, too. Jonathan's reading struggles are still a problem and require extra effort on his part and mine, but the glasses are definitely helping. Yael increasingly wants to be the center of everyone's attention. When I get home, Jonathan still has some homework to do and I want to nurse the babies to relieve the tension from me but also so they still get the benefit of being nursed from me, since the pumping is much messier, harder and much less efficient.

I really need to figure out a way to take down my stress levels so that I don't have a stroke or a heart attack, but I really just want my kids to be happy with me and each other. I'm lucky if I remember to put on deodorant and clean clothes everyday.

maternal overdrive

Can I tell you, dear readers that I am more in love with my babies every day. I love to kiss their little noggins every time I pick them up (from the floor, from the car seat, from their bed, from day care) And it doesn't usually bother me to have baby spit up all over my shirt (however for some odd reason I don't like to sit on it or wear bottoms that have been spit up upon)

It also helps that they are at the smiley stage when they recognize certain familiar faces with smiles, coos and gurgles. G-d knew what he was doing when he made babies especially cute because after hours of contending with a colicy, gassy baby (and in my case, it is usually one at a time) there is always the reward of a cooing smiling helpless little being who you know will never remember any of this down the line.

Recently, one of my co-workers was telling me how his wife would frequently remind their children of the timeless hours she spent rocking the night away with them, To me that seems like part and parcel of the job of being a parent and not something that you should have to remind your children of the time that you sacrificed for them (or anything else you sacrificed for them-can anyone remind me what a vacation is?), Could it be a different cultural point of view or is it just my maternal hormones on overdrive that are talking?

Middle Names

Dear reader:
THIS POST IS STILL IN PROCESS, NEEDS TO BE FLUSHED OUT BETTER

Middle Names
(article)

Name Songs:
Battle Hymn of the Republic - Jonathan/Yoni
La-la-la-la-la-la - Yael
"Nickname" [La Cucaracha] - Yaeli-La-La
Row, row, row your boat - Daniel (or Ben)
Three Blind Mice - Benjamin (or Daniel)

This way they know their names and it is a fun way to sing even more songs with them and to have something special that is all their own.

Heigh ho

Dear reader:
THIS POST IS STILL IN PROCESS, NEEDS TO BE FLUSHED OUT BETTER

So its's back to work for me today. I got to see the kids settled in at their respective schools and then I don't get to do carpool anymore.
Yael is a mess and clingy and cranky and hungry and shreik-y all the time.
Change is hard on her and there have been a lot of changes: Day camp ended and she moved to camp mommy. school started and then mommy went back to work.
That's four separate changes to her schedule in the past month - plus she desperately wants to give up her nap, but she is not ready to do so!

kids independence

Read today about a celeb who was afraid to let her 16 yr old daughter go off on a plane to visit a friend for two weeks. Something aboutworrying over her and not being able to have her be gone for that long. I am SO not that kind of mother. I CHOSE to send my six year old to an out and about day camp where I willingly put him in the care of other teenagers (the counselors for the most part are pretty young), put him on a bus and send him out into the world to do fun things. My rationale is partly that this summer is already so crazy with the birth and the newborns and the exhaustion of the parents and the integration of the grand-parent carpool train that he might as well have FUN. And the places he is going are things I could never do on my own with him to such a degree and he is having a blast. I could have chosen to send him to arts and craft camp all day or gymnastics or something indoors at the center (like his little sister), but in this case, I feel like I am giving him the opportunity to be an adventurer (in a somewhat controlled environment) and explore what it is to do these things that he would not otherwise have the opportunity to do (movies, ball parks, fun kid places that I've never even heard of before). I actually did choose to send him to gymnastics camp for the middle part of the summer, but he got carried away in the spirit of the specialties camp where he spent the first part of the summer and instead, he chose to stay there with one of his friends and do a bunch of different activities that he got to choose on his own (lots of sports instead of art or music which I would have picked).
This independence is something that I am actually trying to cultivate in him, and reminds me of some of the choices that I have made for myself...(Israel, train station TA to Jerusalem, leaving Kenes) My choices may not have been the best ones at the time, or may have had been hard, but they were ALL mine and they all had actions and reactions that came from making those choices. It's taken me an adulthood to be this innocently independent. Yoni can do it with innocence in his youth with only his own results.

leftovers

Here's another recipe I just tried because it is what I had in my refrigerator. Can you tell I haven't darkened the door of a grocery store in awhile?

Chicken Salad
1 leftover cooked chicken breast diced into small cubes
1 Tbsp light mayo (I used a big soup spoon to scoop it out)
almost that much Fat Free Italian salad dressing
1 mini cucumber diced into oblivion (I didn't have celery)
pepper to taste

I served it on a bagel thin open faced (thanks mom for providing me some sort of sandwhich bread) with a side of raw baby carrots and cold sweetened iced tea. Was gonna add the raw carrots to the salad and decided that it wouldn't go together so well. And I also wanted to put it on a bed of lettuce which I am also lacking at the moment. While eating it, I decided that it might also go well with some sweet peas, but not a lot of them. [Interesting, that's also pretty much how I like my homemade potato salad.]

Necessity is the mother of invention and right now I am totally winging it.
I am a little tired of breakfast foods and snacks for all my meals....

cooking tips

who knew I'd ever be giving cooking tips...

A lady I know was clamoring on at a birthday party about how she had made a toddler banana birthday cake for her son's birthday and because it was "the cake" and she therefore didn't taste it, she was unpleasantly surprised when it was pretty unappetizing to the adult palate.
So I suggested that whenever I am making a new recipe for a big cake for an event or whatever, I just reserve some of the batter and make a cupcake to bake and try to ensure I know what I am serving. This idea actually came from when I was baking challah regularly on my Fridays off, I would make some lachmaniot to give the kids and Eran before dinner. It made lots of sense to me - I had a little serving to try first of what was to be the star of the show...who doesn't taste their food before they serve it. How else would you know if it was acceptable? On the food shows Eran watches, they are always berating the chefs for not tasting the food when it comes out unappetizing!

Also, on a whim, I was cleaning out the refrigerator of dairy products that were reaching their expiration date. So I made a quiche with no milk (using egg beaters, sour cream and cottage cheese). I went for spinach as the veggie of choice since I hadn't had that in awhile [and I had 3 boxes of chopped spinach staring at me from the freezer, and I couldn't find the portabello mushrooms I wanted to use up.]
Since I like the lemon juice Eran adds to one of the spinach dishes that he makes, I added some fresh lemon juice to the quiche - I figured that without the milk, any extra liquid would be appropriate. It was an extra yummy flavorful surprise. Despite the runniness of the original quiche (I could've baked it longer I suppose, but the edges were burning) the flavors were spectacular. And I think it would have benefitted from having a crust to tie it all together. I'll try it that way next time.

adorable...

Originally posted 7/31/10 19:56 hrs
I know you think life is all about the twins and all their cuteness, and truth be told they are filling out and starting to look like infants and not alien old men.

However, today's post is all about the adorableness of first crushes. Eran's boss's family came to visit from Israel and made it over this afternoon to see the twins for the first time. Now what is interesting is that they have 4 girls of various ages from 12 to 3. The oldest was here for a few minutes before she went to see a movie with some friends and the younger two stayed for several hours. The 6 year old went to school with my older ones and I am pretty sure she was my Yoni's first little crush since one day she went home crying that he threw her shoes over the fence or into the bushes or something. She also wormed her way into spending the night one night [my kids' first and so far only sleepover that lasted the whole night]...I put her off the first time she wanted to stay by telling her she didn't have a toothbrush, so the next time she made sure she had packed a bag to come to our house. She played well with Yael so it wasn't a problem.

So they turned up at the house and Eran knew they were coming but didn't mention it to Yoni and Yael on the off chance that they didn't show up. So it was a bit of a surprise for them. Yael was excited as she always is to have friends come and play. Yoni reacted quite differently. First of all, I like to hide presents and things in my walk in closet in my bedroom. So the kids know that the closet is off limits to them. And lately with so many people stopping by to see the twins, I have shoved even more stuff in bags in the closet so it is now impassable. In any case, the visitors arrived with the little girls and Yoni ran for my closet claiming that he was looking for something-sometimes I put the toys in toy-time-out in there as well, so I thought he might be looking for something specific. Then I realized he was hiding when he crawled up under his dad's clothes and sat on all the shoes (that could not be comfortable). It was the cutest case of shyness around a girl I had ever seen. If he knew how to blush he would have been red from the tip of his head to his toes! Somehow we finally coaxed him out and after the first few minutes of him still being akward, he finally relaxed and they played together (the 3 of them-Yoni, Yael and T... and they tolerated the littlest one who was so excited to finally play with dolls and toys that she entertained herself for the most part)

Eran's my hero.
He took care of the turtle cage with minimal disruption and did not make me deal with it.
Kids still haven't noticed and I'm not telling.

milestones

Tandem nursing a success - like 5 minutes ago for a full 10 minutes or more. They were both tired and not really hungry just needed a top-off and a reason to get sleepy. Then the best part was the gush of happy mommy hormones that were released either from the nursing itself or just the realization that it was actually possible to nurse both children at the same time. Gonna go try and catch some zzz while they are actually sleeping, (but of course mid-writeup I had to go tend to a screaming unhappy baby who had flipped over onto his back and had arms flailing.

Also, had lots of visitors today and a shower and an outing-so maybe it was because I was really relaxed anyway.

Yael went on her play-date with her school friend [which included me trying to make calls to camp this morning in my not-quite-awake fog, then an email to the director, and then a followup call to make sure she had actually been picked up and I didn't have to get her at the regular time.] And then they came to our house for the first time ever to drop her off - and that was stressful, but Eran had straightened up a lot before he left for the day and then mom and her entourage of understanding friends were over so they both helped make the bed and tend to the babies and let me be neurotic, cause they understood that this was the first time this classy lady had been to my house. [One of her questions while she was here was if I had enough help - she has a nanny/housekeeper daily] Then of course I remembered out of the blue that I had kid friendly snacks and all mom's friends got was a mushy scoop of ice cream, after they had been at my house for hours.

Really gonna try to get some sleep now, though I need to remember in the future that black currant iced tea has loads of caffeine in it and not to drink it anytime after dark or any time I would like to get some sleep. Have mostly laid off the sodas and coffees lately (not entirely of course, but to a good degree, so said caffeine has a profound effect when it is imbibed.

Nervous/Anxiety much???

I am clearly dragging my feet on this having these babies issue.
On the one hand I clearly don't want to have a C-section at any cost, but on the other hand I am not sure I want to go through all the potentially painful process of labor and delivery twice (and then of course all the after birth as well - eeewww)
Then late night drama tv has all these discovery health channel programming gems that have you watching people having babies that didn't know they were pregnant and all kinds of other pregnancy/delivery related dramatic horror stories that make for awesome TV except when I know I shouldnt be watching them so as not to add to my anxiety.
Since I was already at the hopsital once during this pregnancy and ran through a battery of questions, I know that the epidural is encouraged in twin pregnancies in the likelyhood that there may be the eventual need to extract the baby via surgery. Not sure how I feel about the epidural at this point. I didn't have time for one with Yael and with Jonathan once I finally gave in and got one I don't know why I didn't do it sooner since I was dealing with unnatural doses of the devil drug pitocin. At this point, I was already scheduled to have a bed at the hospital on my birthday and somehow my silver-tongued husband talked his way into making them move the date-which I loved!!! (likely including an induction with the breaking of the waters and the dreaded pitocin encouragement, but I don't have to like it.) If I can I will see if they will let me walk around a little before they strap me to all the machines and the IV so as to get the juices flowing naturally as much as possible, and since the last few days walking around much at all has been kind difficult anyway, I'm not sure that it would take long at all.
In fact last night at one point I woke up extremely hot and caught a wave of nausea (I slept in the recliner sitting up on a towel just in case last night, but I don't have that feeling for tonight-at least not right now) and thought that maybe it was time, but then I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't. Maybe I am shutting down my own labor as a mind over matter thing??? Doubtful, but just maybe???
Getting into and outta bed has been challenging. My pelvic joint where the inner thigh is connected has been extremely painful on the left side (Baby B must be standing on my hip bone) and right before I had all the loosening of the joints with the pre-term labor scare 6 weeks ago, I was having serious issues with the joints of my right foot cracking and generally hurting.
And right now over the last few days because of some of my food choices, the heat, and lack of sufficient hydration (I can only stand to go to the water cooler and bathroom a certain number of times in one day) no matter how many bottles of water I chug...I still feel more swollen in my feet and hands.

Traded in the car seats that were gifted to me since they were not what I was looking for. They were convertible to use both as infant seats and for larger toddlers. They were perfectly practical, (working with engineers, what do you expect?) but not what I need at this stage for a double infant stroller where I can keep the kids in the infant seat and snap it into the stroller or car as needed with a minimum of juggling actual infants around. So, still need to get the car seat issue ironed out before we can even take them home from the hospital and now the dilemma is whether to go for the more expensive Graco where I have a plethora of extra bases for all the extra drivers in my life? or to go with the slightly less expensive Evenflo where the Z formation design of the handle leads me to belive it would be more easily maneuverable - more steady and less likely for me to bump the kiddos around too much.

Then of course I expect a litany of visitors, more likely at my tornado-struck, clutterfied home than at the hospital. Can't tell when I'll have to plan a party (bris) cause I don't know how healthy they will be...Might have them over a holiday weekend which could be good because I could get visitors to the hospital too, but then again, it may not be so good cause the hospital might be understaffed.

Plus, all the usual anxiety stuff with how the older kids will react to all this chaos.
As it is, my carefully though out plan to have them taken care of from morning to night at summer camp has resulted in a cranky Yoni almost every night, despite the fact that I know he is having a blast at camp!
And I hope that I will be able to balance caring for the newborns, myself and the older kids all at the same time after having been sat on my butt for over a month and not even bothering to get in the kitchen to make all the yummy things I wanted to (quiches and casseroles and smoothies and desserts and doughs for the freezer, so all I would have to do would be to pull something out) or do all the other litany of house projects that I should have been doing in the meantime while waiting (like cleaning out the drawers of things that are too small for Yael)

Yaelisms #35482

Been awhile since we visited some of Yael's cutest sayings. don't know if I have a whole post worth's but here are some recent ones:

Family - is a variation - falimy
Forever: foreber and eber and eber
If you ask her name she may be inclined to tell you that it is : Yael NetanelNamer which is pretty close. She runs her middle name into her last name and leaves out a syllable [Yael Netanella Namer], but it is oh so cute!
She is very verbal and loves girly things like nail polish and "lips" [chapstick or sparkly gloss] and "pretty hair" [pony tails], and her big brother has an amazing thing with numbers and puzzles...

At the present moment she is doing her version of what she calls lego: matching clear lids to the small pencil sharpeners I bought in bulk thinking I'd use them in favor bags and then they got lost in the playroom, which is where she found the lot of them.

She has STILL never met a stranger as she followed the leader of the sibling class and sat next to her during demonstration time (swaddling the baby) and then had lots to babble about as she stayed near her throughout the hospital tour while I hung toward the back in my wheelie-chair.

Should kids have best friends?

Here is yet another article that I have an opinion that I want to share. Don't really care if it fits the article or not, but it draws from my personal experiences as of now.

My 6 year old has a best friend and some stand-in best friends, and then some kids that he knows but doesn't really have a strong opinion about. And I'm sure there are also some kids he just flat-out doesn't like, but I have yet to hear about those and unfortunately, I don't have time to hover around the playground and intensely scrutinize his interactions with the other kids. Some of that attitude is my generally hands-off approach and some of that is the fact that he is his own person and I need to let him learn to deal with people in his own way.
And he is a boy. Boys generally don't have such cliqueish issues as girls, and especially at this young age, although it is easy to see the beginnings of the social climate being formed.
Along this regard, I have been struggling with the camp placement in groups for this summer. One reason I choose to send him to the camp I do is that he has an opportunity to break free a little bit from his religiously structured private-schoool existence and to intercact with some friends that he knew before we forced him down that track. Somehow, even despite my request to the contrary, and that he be placed with those kids that are not part of his everyday life at the moment, he was placed with the private school kids. It hurts my heart becuase I wanted him to be with some old friends from preschool that wouldn't let him onto the baseball team I wanted [because it was already full] and it caused this season to be pretty awful, whereas they had a fun time all season.

However, the playing field with my 3 year old is even more pronounced. She has her friends that she likes and they like her [thank goodness for that] Then there are the friends that she likes that don't particularly care for her [ouch] And of course there are those kids that she just doesn't like [also ouch] She is on the small side in stature but a force to be reckoned with in her personality. She is already getting her feelings hurt when some of the larger kids refer to her as "baby" This week I taught her to parrot that most all important phrase of small kids everywhere "Good things come in small packages" Of course, she doesn't comprehend what the words mean yet and half the time she can't quite get out the whole phrase, but the foundation is being poured. At least she will have something to say that won't exacerbate the situation when she gets a little older.

More strange pregnancy dreams

So a few days ago I had one of those weird symbolic pregnancy dreams everyone talks about.
It was after a particularly hard night where I didn't get any sleep but then slept like the dead for several hours the following day.
It was also right around the time I took possession of my certified used car, which is brand new to me and loaded with more features than I have ever seen in one vehicle.

The dream goes like this:
Italicized text: dream world
Standard text: real world
I have 6-8 kids loaded into my old CR-V [The new car has room for 8 passengers]
They are mostly my son's best friends and their siblings: Elie, Eyal, Leeor, Ido, Yoni, Yael and maybe even a few more...
All the kids are doubled up on booster seats - 2 per seat, one in front of the other, attached to the back seat of the car by one seat belt.

Meanwhile, in the real world it has been a struggle for me to help make sure my kids are secure cause I can't lean over them to help buckle and tighten the seat belt properly. Good thing for the most part they can do it themselves.

The next thing I know, I am riding a 10-speed bicycle [lately my friend has been on a health kick and turning up periodically at my house for a schmooze on her bicycle - It's only 2 neighborhoods over, likely a 15 minute cycle ride] and all the kids are behind me on those booster chairs, strapped in 2 deep.

Then the next thing I know, I am riding past one Elie's mother [who is the Rabbi's wife] who is wearing a purple scarf head covering. And as I speed past her she is jogging in a long denim skirt and 3/4 length T-shirt, but she doesn't see me and that is good because Elie is no longer with me. I know that she knows I have him, and normally I am a responsible person and would not abandon anyone's kids, but I have most definitely lost this kid and all the others. The only ones I have with me are Eyal and Leeor [who are brothers] and they are now both strapped in the old-school style baby seat that is mounted on the back of the bicycle.

As I quickly cycle past the Rabbi's wife [Gabi] whose back is always to me, I find myself in a limestone, ivy-lined courtyard with a beautiful fountain [a very calming location and out of place in the suburban Houston we inhabit, much more reminiscent of some tranquil garden in England or a ritzy neighborhood in Israel] and I get the feeling that I have just passed Gabi's house at one end of the neighborhood on the way to Dana's apartment at the other end. The proximity of their houses in my dream may represent the fact that in my mind they are more involved in the day to day lives of the kids at school because they are in closer proximity to what is happening [Dana is PTO co-president and Gabi's husband is the Rabbi of the shul where the pre-school is housed] [Dana is also Eyal/Leeor's mother, who lives in a 2-story house that they recently refurbished in an older neighborhood near the school the older boys will be going to next year. She had a baby girl in March and planned the kids' graduation bowling party recently. After she gave birth, I offered to take her boys for a sleep over so she could get some time with the baby. That never actually materialized, but it still might.] So I am returning her boys after the playdate on the back of the bicycle, which in and of itself is rather strange, but my children are not with me nor are the other kids who were on the playdate.

Normally, Israelis are very hospitable and almost insist you stay for coffee and a cookie or something, but she is sitting at a computer desk in a small outer-office-like room off the courtyard [I don't know what her occupation is] but for whatever reason, whether she is just busy or she can tell I am stressed about something, or maybe she had to feed the baby, she just pretty much lets me drop off the boys and leave in a hurry.

At some point before I drop off Eyal and Leeor I realize I have lost my car with no idea of where it could even be and that seems to register almost more than the fact that the kids were still in it. But somehow I also know that the kids are ok and not inside the lost car. I kinda get the feeling that they are on a grassy patch somewhere, either a park or a back yard, kicking around a ball. Elie and Yoni are the best of friends and generally good boys and I know that between the two of them, they won't be getting in any real trouble or hurting themselves. I also know that they are "kinda" watching over their younger siblings [Yael and Ami] without letting them bother them too much.
Guess I expect and attribute lots of real responsibility to and from my kids.

It may or may not be of interest that most of the friends in the dream are Yoni's [and the ones that I know and like the most] and that he claimed loudly and on several occasions to not like our old car. Now, he and his little sister LOVE the new car because it has a TV and sliding electric doors and a sunroof like grandpa's, etc, etc, etc...
So what if it is not brand new, it is new to us and we are loving it...all 3 times that I've driven it so far.

I read this pregnancy article (click here) and just had to share a few thoughts:
Agreed, completely agreed, well kinda...
In the past I have somehow managed to continue my routine and semblance of life, well kinda....
My pregnancy mantra has always been "I'm not broken, I'm just pregnant."
Well this time around, as I get closer to the end - with a double whammy of unexpected spontaneous twins, I have decided that maybe I am just a little broken.
There are some things that I just cannot do, like reach the floor or tie my own shoes. And I haven't been able to for months. And when I would sit at my desk in my office with a door and a personal printer (which I didn't have before) I would sometimes get too uncomfortable to sit any longer, and walking around was also somehow painful - either from the extra pregnancy weight or from the shard of glass in my continually strained right foot.

With my first child, I had a high risk pregnancy in which my blood pressure sky-rocketed and I was hospitalized 3 different times. It wasn't such a big deal for me as I didn't have a child at home to contend with and my teaching hours had been cut way back.
Then I contracted an infection which most people have an immunity to by the time they are 3 years old, but somehow I caught it in my first trimester, which of course is the most critical in passing it and the possibility of myriad birth defects and disorders along to the fetus.
But in my heart of hearts, I knew he was ok and despite all the tests that indicated that he did indeed have the disease in the amniotic fluid, and was likely to be born with it. In any case, I didn't need the tests to know that all was going to be ok.
Then he had IUGR either because of the CMV or my high BP, wherein the uterus was no longer the best place for him to grow so the drs decided to induce me. I had always joked that I would drive myself to the hospital and indeed in this case I did!
The induction was at 36 weeks and it was incredibly slow. The first part didn't proceed at all and the pitocin was administered incorrectly, so when they finally got the show on the road, it was unbearable.
As I was still screaming my head off while the young blonde Russian night nurse was calmly telling me that she had seen other martyrs and could put in the order to end the suffering right now or wait until I was good and ready. Finally, the epidural anaesthesiologist arrived and then he was taking his sweet time plodding on about his business and explaining things to me that I couldn't care less about or comprehend at that point. I had no intention of getting the epidural in the first place so he should have been quick about it so I wouldn't change my mind, but I capitualted in the end and couldn't sign the form fast enough!

I was exhilarated when pregnant with my girl child. I had tons of energy for the most part, I even endured a month or so of contractions at my desk and a really oppressive personality conflict at the office to boot, as well as a corporate merger and a twice hospitalized child during that pregnancy. And to top it all off, I worked up until the day she was born. Just woke up that morning knowing something was different and lo and behold, within 3 hours I was holding my perfect princess. I crowed to the world that I LOVED being pregnant and it was really true.

This time around, not so much.
This time I had been blessed with spontaneous twins, plus my advanced maternal age (I am only on the cusp at 35, but it generally requires closer watching) and was at least 30 lbs heavier than I would have liked to be when we found out. Plus I was a massive hormonal mess and fought a lot with everyone, including my in-laws who can only rarely make a visit, but an extended one nonetheless.
And then I had strange discharge from one breast and had to have 3 extra checks for that (and a follow-up after the babes are born).
And then, every test I did I failed and had to redo.
Failed the early 1 hr glucose tolerance screen so I had to do the 3 hour test - and then do it again at the normally scheduled time of the pregnancy. In Israel, I don't remember ever doing a 1 hr screen, they just sent me straight for the 3 hr test, which turned out fine. With my daughter, I just refused to do it altogether. And the dr tried and tried, time and again to get me to do it, I was just a little overwhelmed and couldn't imagine spending 3 hours at the clinic for hourly blood draws.
Failed the blood draw for the chromosomal screen so had to undergo amniocentesis, done by a specialist. Turns out twins often give off false positives for this screen. Had undergone amnio with my first-born for quite another reason altogether (in-utero CMV), but at the time, my outlook was so positive and my faith was so strong (that I would just KNOW if anything was wrong) that I only agreed to all the extra tests to pacify my freaked out husband and the teams of drs.
This time, I had a scary bleeding episode after a late-night freak rainstorm (when my mother and father were out of pocket of course) and ended up in the hospital for observation.
Nurse at that time noticed a contraction that I didn't even realize was a contraction, I just chalked it up to extra strong fetal movements. Then she charted 3 more contractions in a 20 minute non-stress test strip. And they still sent me home for the holiday weekend with instructions to see my dr at the first possible opportunity. Also sent me home on antibiotics (due to leukocytes in my urine sample) and I wonder if either a UTI or bladder infection didn't trigger the bleeding episode to begin with.
In any case, a few days later in quite a dramatic fashion, I had a bloody show that was quite impressive (since I never had such a thing before). Of course, my 3-yr old daughter chose that particular moment to barge into the bathroom on me. She caught me with a look of horror plastered on my face and a big mess on my hands, and I had to think on the fly, while flustered myself, that she would only understand that I had had some kind of dramatic BM.

My dr keeps seeing me weekly now and asks every time if I live close to the hospital. I assure her I can be there in less than 20 minutes which is usually the case. I am not as advanced as I was with my daughter at this stage, but then I was also not ordered home to put my feet up and to do as little as possible, which has undoubtedly made all the difference. Even my blood pressures are lower, which is inconceivable for me and my brain to handle.

Memorial Dayish

With Memorial Day just around the corner, all the American media machines are pumping stories about the Gulf Coast Oil disaster and touting the annual white sales and summer bar-b-q season kick-off deals. Occasionally you hear about soldiers serving or sacrificing their lives in far off places like Afghanistan and Iraq – places you have barely heard of, never been nor would you want to visit.
Not long ago, Israel commemorated its annual memorial day – Yom HaZikaron. I surreptitiously caught my husband standing at attention while he watched the taped media coverage of the commemoration ceremonies that had happened hours earlier and thousands of miles away.
Granted, this is a special holiday for all Israelis when the entire country stands for a moment of silence while air raid sirens sound overhead. And even more so for my husband whose father and several uncles were career military men. One of his uncles was on active duty when he was killed in a car wreck and so every year the family as a unit trundles off to the military section of the cemetery in their small town to honor and pay respect to their fallen relative and countrymen.
Now, my children learned about Yom HaZikaron in conjunction with Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) which directly follows on the heels the somber mood of the memorial day ceremonies. The sun goes down on the somber mood of Memorial Day and the Israeli populace breaks out in public concerts, fireworks displays and general mayhem that may or may not include being chased and hit over the head with a plastic toy hammer and silly string. What that has to do with commemorating Israeli Independence Day I have never figured out, but it sure is fun. Like the American version, bar-b-q is a staple, but Israeli style, with pita and hummus at every table.
What I had a bit of trouble with was when I tried to discuss the Memorial Day holiday with my kids. The discussion went something like this:
Me: Did you learn about Yom HaZikaron and remembering the Israeli soldiers at school?
Them: Yes
Me: Well our American Memorial Day is coming up soon and you will be off from school….
I couldn’t figure out a way to make this Memorial Day holiday relevant to these American kids who have never met a real-live soldier, whereas in Israel, all of hubby’s younger cousins seem to be in the army or right around the army age (either just before or just after)
I want to make this memorial day something extra memorable for them since it will be the last one for awhile before I will be feeling up to giving them my undivided attention and getting them somewhere fun to do something. Somehow my birthday and July 4th which are both still on the horizon, just don’t seem to be on my radar as the time to do something fun with them, since I am feeling more and more like my body is preparing to give birth to these twins sooner rather than later at this point….like any day now...
Since I saw my OB/GYN this monday, and gave her my verbal report that the U/S doctor hadn't yet sent over (and then researched all he said fanatically on the interweb) I feel like the pregnancy has finally taken over my body and I have had to relinquish control. I have been might uncomfortable lately owing partially to the tiniest sliver of glass that was embedded in my foot and then the subsequent stich when the GP had to dig to get it out. Now several days after the stitch was removed, I am still hobbling about because it is still tender (maybe the stubborn sliver is still in there) but mostly because I managed to jam my toes and twist my ankle on the day the stitch was removed. I took that as a sign that the universe wanted me to stay off my feet so I played hookey from work: I took 3 naps, had a leisurely lunch with my aunt, went shopping, and dropped off and picked up my mother from her myriad drs sessions at the cancer center. The next day it still took me almost 30 minutes to walk the 3 blocks from my car to my building -between my sore toesies, my tender foot and the extra baby weight I am hauling around (sometimes they just feel like they weigh a ton and other times it is no big deal)
I'm thinking I'm gonna have to change my mantra for the next little bit from - "I'm not broken, I'm just pregnant" to "So I'm a little worse for wear, and thank you for holding that door (or elevator, or seating me at a table instead of a booth)"

not a happy dance kinda day

I am stressing out about finances for the coming year and don't really know what to do other than be as proactive as I have been already.

Somehow I think having a nanny will be less expensive than daycare times 2. Plus two other school tuitions. Plus an increased mortgage and out of pocket expenses having to deal with a likely C-section (I'm finally coming to terms with that possibility although the thought scares me and I would rather do without) and care for 2 newborns.

Whoever said money is no object has not walked a mile in my shoes lately.

And on that point, I can't even walk a mile in my own shoes right this minute. Between gasping for breath because of my weight gain from the babies and the minor surgery I had to undergo yesterday to get the embedded remaining tiny sliver of glass out of my foot (which the dr couldn't really even see except for the glint of it in the light from the scope), I am nursing a tenderfoot with a stitch that needs to be removed in a week.

I hobbled my-own-self since we tried to get it out ourselves. Dad got a piece, then I soaked it a week later and got another piece out and then in the process moved the other remaining piece around so much that it was irritated and well embedded and not going anywhere. The dr couldn't see it any more than I could, but I could feel it for sure when he rubbed over the location. He had to give me a local anaesthetic injection and that was pretty darn painful! Never mind - I just joked that I am preparing for the hardship of labor to deliver these babies. Then he called in the nurse to assist - he wanted me to lay down on the table on my stomach and I refused. So rather unorthodox of most patients, he allowed me to sit on the corner of the exam table while he labored on my foot and Delilah held it still for him - with the understanding that I was not allowed to look [ not that I would want to -eeeewwww]. Delilah missed the whole injection phase, so she thought aloud that I had a rather high tolerance for pain which is when I joked that I was practicing getting my body ready for real pain...of labor... Then she wasn't really prepared for an extraction stitch kit, but went to get one while the dr held the wound together. Would have been better if I hadn't looked then either. Couldn't bear to watch the stiching part, but actually felt some of that so whatever...

All of that drama made the freezing of the wart on the other leg a walk in the park...

azalea progression

Spring 2005

Spring 2007

Spring 2009



Spring 2010

Couldn't pick my favorite so I uploaded them both.

Comment on which you like better...

precious moments soda commercial

Thanksgiving - Nov 2009

Not naming names

It's an inherent part of my personality that I've come to accept and not overly judge or try to remedy. I know that I like to know secrets and keep things vague.


Hubby and I have a friend who is in the midst of a mid-life crisis or some other major life altering conundrum. They even described this point in their life as "being at a cross-road both professionally and personally" - their words. We are a lot alike in some ways and then there are very stark differences that I can comprehend from a friend point of view, but not agree with for other reasons.



Parallels in our existences include major upheavals in all the stress causing areas - and all at once. In the past few months there have been major job changes, major home renovations and general chaos in financial stability - spending more than is coming in the door. This is something I am familiar with as I had a baby, quit my job and moved to America all within a short time period causing untold amounts of stress. I figured if there was one major area of change then it would be a good time to make other changes as well. Hindsight being what it is, I don't necessarily agree with that now.
Also there is the fact that they are also a 2-income family with one parent having a more supporting than starring role in the finacial arena. And they are supporting young children in an expensive school system with many years of this ahead. Money is always a big stressor!


However, I had my partner by my side for most of my tribulations.
He couldn't stand the idea of being in Israel away from me and the baby (even though that was our original plan - for him to stay in Israel, tie up loose ends and meet me in America when I had found a place to live and a source of income) So he quickly got rid of our worldy possessions and got out of our lease agreement (all in one fell swoop - by making the deal of a lifetime for a blind Ethiopian student he worked with: namely he sold all of our furnishings along with the lease to the apt for a song, mainly because he just wanted OUT!)
Then he rejoined me and we slogged through the relocation process together (as it probably should have been from the start)



In any case, this person has seemingly made the opposite choice. There have recently been extended business trips and now a vacation with the children sans one parent which has been extremely difficult on the parent who could not attend. [I would not call that a family vacation although there are family members involved]



Then there is the case of infidelity. That is one of the poor choices that I think led to the eventual downfall of my former VP. Bad choices that snowballed into other, more serious bad choices.

My friend has also started down that road. I am blissfully unaware of the full extent of those choices and I want to keep it that way. It has all the earmarks of a terrible situation now and further down this road.

I know there have been peiods of lonliness and boredom in that marriage and the breakdown of communication is evident by some of the more public displays that have occured. I suppose out of deference to the children the fighting has not been LOUD displays (as my husband and I are sometimes guilty of - even in front of our children), but there is such a ring of truth to the adage that actions speak louder than words.



I think there are many parts of the problem including: stagnation (life can get into a rut sometimes) and intellectual boredom (concentrating on building a business is intellectually draining) and all the upheaval that has been in their living/renovation situation. Theirs is obviously a house divided - the outcome for now is two home offices and two individual bathrooms.



Now how do I support them both (they are both individuals going through this situation) knowing what I know, and being ethically torn. Plus wanting the situation to be the best for all involved?

And to make matters worse, my husband and I are not 100% on the same page - if we were taking sides in this matter which we are not cause it's not our concern. But it did make for interesting adult conversation (imagine that!).
Maybe it's because I am still torn about how I feel and who is being wronged in the situation.
But I try to remind myself that I cannot judge because I have not walked a mile in their shoes.
I only know what they choose to presentto me [or withhold] (and maybe just a little more because I have some empathy and life experience under my belt)

What a week

Drama, Drama and more drama - just the way we like it!

and if we can get through this sefirat haomer without killing each other or fighting daily it would be a miracle.

April 15 - other wise known in America as Tax Day. We had all kinds of issues surrounding this - namely that after more than a year of cajoling, or nagging as it is called in the vernacular, we still got hit with the wrong kind of tax form and actually owed uncle sam $$$ this year - which is an unfortunate variation from our previous years.

(sorry to my kids' uncle sam-I didn't mean you-we're square!)

The day my dad and I were set to crunch the numbers, we almost burned the house down.

I won't name names, but a male member of my immediate family was kicking a soccer ball around in the back yard at Bubbe and Purpaw's house. Purpaw had already finished relaxing at the picnic table with his "stinky stick" (cigar for those not in the know and bigger than 3 years old) and brought in is computer and headphones for the evening. All of a sudden, the lights dimmed, there was a loud crashing sound outside, sparking ensued and there was also the sound of buzzing electricity.

The soccer ball had been launched precisely at the corner of the patio and the house where the drop-feed from the electricity pole fed the electricity into the house. Granted the wires were old and droopy lately - meaning they were low enough that my dad could reach them easily to disengage the sparking with a broomstick - which I don't ever recall being the case, even in recent memory. And this is a particularly vulnerable area since we remember a lightning strike happened exactly in the same spot, causing even more damage since there was a blue glow in the kitchen for awhile after that and the microwave was deemed the only casualty.

At least our electricity situation doesn't look like this :)

I went stumbling through the laundry room in all my largess to trip all the circuit breakers, to really stop the electricity from causing any further damage. Good thing I made my dad check it out because I had missed a few in the dark ;)

This incident was exciting enough to scare my usually unflappable daughter into hysterics and spooked my son pretty bad. Though they didn't relate the incredulous story to friends or teachers at school like I thought they might.
We did sit them down to explain everything in terms they could understand This after Puraw had called the city hotline to get the number for the electric company [my idea since all his bills were online with no way to access them] and generally calmed the ensuing hysteria down. and we had to make sure we didn't lay blame - because accidents happen, and all turned out fine (other than a few hours waiting on the elec comp to remedy the situation-which they did relatively speedily)

Then of course, the whole stress of the taxes made my husband crazy. He got the wrong kind of form - not his fault - even though I nagged him for over a year to make sure he had the right one. Then we found out that he wanted to have my dad crunch his numbers NOW (with no though as to what Purpaw was doing that night) so as to get the figure that he owed - as a result of getting the wrong form - back to his boss to prove why he wanted the other form. Then in yet another mistake that'll cost me, he took it upon himself to break it down for the boss, rather than just let the numbers speak for themselves.


The following day, I got an earful from my dad, at work, while all my co-workers could hear me, fighting over this with him (I didn't have a chance to shut my door, not that it would have helped much anyway)




It didn't matter to my dad that I wasn't the one to create any part of this problem, nor was the anger I got the brunt of directed at me for that matter, but it did raise my blood pressure and generally piss me off. And I made sure to tell that to my dad in no uncertain terms, as well as to make sure he was to take up the matter with the one he actually had an issue with. I think me telling him that this fight was accomplishing nothing other than to raise both his and my blood pressure is the part that finally got through to him and got him off the phone with me, hopefully to make the subsequent call to my husband (who later told me that my dad was nothing but nice to him that day. Yeah, sure - he had already got out all his yelling out of his system - at me!)


In fact, it raised MY blood pressure so much so that a full two hours later when I had a headache (which I didn't have at the time) and decided to check my pressure (in the Safety Director's office on my floor, after just about everyone else had already left) my pressure was still elevated to 171/96 [don't tell my dr, she'll put me on bed rest for sure]

Gas Mask Distribution

Looks like it's that time again:
IDF expands distribution of gas masks
Does the IDF know something we don't know?

The very next article I read was this:
Gas mask distribution unrelated to security situation

And truthfully, I think I agree with one of the commenters who noted that the gas mask is more of a PR ploy - into convincing J.Q. Public that they have some concrete action they can take to protect themselves in an otherwise pretty hopeless situation.

Staggering Dreams

That should be the title to a song!
But for me - it is just my reaction to my over active and over taxed mind, trying to sort out the difficulties and experiences I am having in the waking world.

Work issues AGAIN!
But this time they pervaded my subconscious mind. I woke up unsettled from my dream world for many reasons not least of which - I acted strangely out of character from my awake-self personality in more than one part of the dream.
Here’s the back story:
My current boss’s boss [I’ll refer to him as G] got himself arrested and in a heap of trouble by making poor choices in his personal life. Which I have mentioned previously on this blog. My current boss [R] – loyal perhaps to a fault, helped out this guy on the down-low: no one was really supposed to know that he spent hours at the bail bondsman and trying to spring G from the pokey.

This week R springs the news that he is resigning from his current position and taking a new job, much closer to home, with some of his dad’s cronies. It may or may not be relevant to the issue that he got our company through a very low spot when we were surely facing bankruptcy, and he managed to keep all our creditors at bay, although that was WAY outside the scope of his job description. It was possibly more along the lines of what his boss G should have been doing, instead of making poor choices in his personal life that bled over into his professional life and dramatically led to his eventual demise.
I’ll admit R wasn’t perfect [his Jew jokes were wearing thin and starting to irritate me for one thing], but he was fun to work for and flexible about most things, including letting me learn some new skills when the need arose.

Having gotten used to the idea that R was leaving, I went in to visit with his contemporary [wB] about some other work related issue. Over the course of this week we got to talking and he revealed that it is almost certain that he will be moving up the ladder – not to R’s previous level, but in a way that includes that I will be reporting to him and that we will be adding another girl to our dept to learn the ropes for when all our babies are hatched this summer. We also got chatting about all the people that have left our ranks (voluntarily or not) and what has become of them. He cited his dismay at one of our colleagues [B] that was one of the casualties of our “slow down” and has the distinction of being "the one that was sacrificially let go" from our dept. But in the next breath wB reminded me that B “landed well” as he "kinda keeps tabs on him" through a salesman that makes calls on both companies.

And in a different vein altogether, my past musician lifetime came back for a visit. It wasn’t entirely bad - it reminded me that I used to have a hobby [I think I always knew I wouldn’t make a grand living at it, I only had a lukewarm passion for it even at the peak of my “career” – sorry daddy] – and that it is sometimes a definite missing aspect from my life.
The younger brother of a friend of mine that was in the same grade as me and went to all of the schools I did, was recently in a contest through Crate and Barrel for an Ultimate Wedding Giveaway. He is a very talented musician out of Portland or Seattle and his fiancé was diagnosed with a rare cancer recently. With their wedding plans on hold, they signed up as a lark to take some of the pressure off. I was bombarded with reminders sometimes 2 and 3 times a day to visit the site and vote for them. And at one point I even felt compelled to publicize their story on my personal newsfeed.

Just a little reminder to those still reading: Happy Passover. I debated calling my learning partner to see how she is doing with all her family in for the holiday and thought that I might do better to leave her alone until they all leave.


So now onto the dream:
The setting is a one-room school house. I am clearly agitated but don’t know about what.
Then arrives a moustached man (whom I later identified as wB while discussing the dream with a close friend at work) There is no one else around but I begin physically beating this man up. He is obviously taller and larger than me, but he stands there and takes the pounding I am giving him without flinching or really holding me off. He does not cover any of the areas I am attacking or attempt to defend himself in any discernible way.
Once I have used up all my energy on this attack, "classmates" start to appear and "the teacher" - my learning partner - keeps them away from me. The moustached man has gone to tend to his bruises - I never really saw any blood and he was still standing and walking after my beating. Another gentleman swoops in to console me for what I did. He does not speak at all, only lets me collapse against him and shelters the rest of the "classmates" from seeing my shame and agitation. Never mind that "the moustached one" let me get away with it and that the "teacher" went on to sheperd the other students to a different place in the building and tried to get on with things as if nothing happened - giving the impression that things were well handled by "consoling man" and that she would check on things when she was more able to do so.

(I identified the consoling one as B at the same time I realized the moustached man was wB and also that this was my subconscious attempt to come to terms with the work-related "adjustments". One of the topics wB and I discussed that day was the fate of some of our former colleagues and specifically B which is why he was on my mind)

Same day, Act II:
The dream continues in a different setting altogether.
I am on stage in an orchestra setting and still upset over letting myself lose control and physically attack another person. (The other players are really irrelevant other than that there were there. I was aware that the red-headed boy, who I was always in school with-and not his younger brother, the afore-mentioned contestant with his fiancé in the wedding contest- was at the front of the viola section and I was somewhere in middle to the back of the section)
Towards the end of the rehearsal, or the movement, or the piece, I hurriedly walk off stage and am distraught, but not inconsolable, crying in the wings of the backstage area. It was not completely clear if it was a performance or a rehearsal. And the other musicians follow me offstage very soon after, but I could not get off the stage fast enough and even caused a bit of a ruckus in my leaving. It was VERY unlike me in any performance or rehearsal situation I can remember during my actual time as a musician. So that whole bit about me losing my composure in a different kind of "professional" [although a lifetime ago, as a professional-quality student musician] setting in itself was a bit disconcerting as well.

So there you have it - outside influences again pervade my subconscious self.
And my husband and kids who are so much a part of my waking and home life, but completely removed from my work persona are noticeably absent from these dreams.
Do I deliberately compartmentalize all the pieces of my life and is it so blatantly apparent to everyone else too? I wonder...
Thoughts and comments are appreciated but I won't claim to agree with them all outright.

Hyperbole, metaphor, whatever, it's just a thought

I wear my Judaism like a blanket.

Sometimes it is warm and comforting and there for all the world to see wrapped snugly around me.

And sometimes I throw it off like it is constricting and smothering me and making me uncomfortable.

But then later I go and pick it up off the floor, shake it out a bit and wrap it's comfort around me again.

Sometimes it needs a good run through the wash and I can't bear to put it in the dryer for fear of ruining it or shrinking it, so I hang it outside on the clothesline - again, for all the world to see and comment upon as if it is so much unmentionables hanging outside in the sun.

I don't tend to fly it like a flag from the highest pole or the nearest tree, but I don't necessarily hide it from the world either.

Guess this is something that will plague me forever - sometimes less so, but always there at the back of my thoughts.



Can I feel freely Jewish and not have to explain myself for everything I do - like deciding that I can't palate even the thought of knowingly eating shrimp or most pork products (still gottta convince myself that most sausage is pork) or a even a hamburger pizza.

Maybe that's why I've been investigating vegetarian options lately

And I couldn't introduce Boca Burgers at my house for fear of confusing my little ones - how can a cheeseburger be kosher at home but not at McDonalds?



When I was pregnant with Yael, I remember consistantly choosing to wear skirts. I told myself that it was because it was more comfortable for many reasons (and I was STILL trying on a more Jewish identity). Lately I have been plagued with trying to find comfortable pants and just dragged out one of those maternity skirts this AM. Now I remember why I loved them so - may have to return to the skirt trend again. Warmer weather is coming too, so there is also that advantage.

Can I call THIS my parenting philosophy?

What IS a parenting philosophy?
We don't have one. We never really talked about it. We agree on some things, disagree on others and muddle through so we can make it to the weekend to play with the kiddos.
Yoni is signed up for everything - baseball, soccer and I'd like more : martial arts, scouts, paiting, ceramics, t-shirt design, music classes, modeling, acting - you name it - I want him to try it all out and be able to pick and chose what he likes or doesn't
Yaeli miskena (poor thing) gets dragged to baseball and soccer practices and then gets to watch from the sidelines. She sometimes has a ball to play with, but more times than not, I forget to bring her a toy. I keep meaning to sign her up for dance classes (especially since she really wants to be able to wear a pretty pink dress - tu-tus count, right) or gymnastics or even soccer, but I never seem to manage to be able to do it - much less how the logistics would work exactly since I am stuck downtown till after these things begin and mostly can catch maybe the last 15 min or so if I am lucky.
Now I have 2 more boys on the way - what did I ever do to desrve twins and much less twin BOYS??? So Is Yael going to constantly get the short end of the stick because she's the only girl? Or will she be super spoiled because she's the only girl? And will I ever be able to afford anything again???
I know that having twins will change our lives, but how am I going to make it? Day care x2? Clothes and diapers x2, and no extra income on my part for 2 years running.
One interesting thing is that due to the fact that I am going to be out at about the same time as my backup who is also expecting, is that my boss asked for a detailed list of what I do and when. When I jotted it all down. he reminded me to add some extra stuff too. Now it is a pretty impressive list when I look over it, but something that is definately learnable by many. And no, I am not downplaing my abilities or skill set, I just have a lot more that I am capable of than I realized and most of it is self taught since I did not come from the ranks of engineering professionals.

What a wedding!

The wedding itself was beautiful. A formal affair - which, I don't think I've ever been invited to such a thing. The bride was stunning, the groom was impeccable, and MY amazing husband was standing there at the chuppah to be a support for the groom and his family.

However, there were many, many dramatic and even entertaining moments that will make this wedding more memorable than most.

Firstly, it was one of those weddings that almost didn't happen. [keeping it intentionally vague here just in case someone knows or doesn't know of the situation]

The in-fighting between the strong personalities of the families of the bride and groom (and amongst themselves) is the stuff legends are made of.

The groom comes from a well-respected highly connected family (who has a jewelry business as one of their endeavors) and the bride is currently working for a different high-profile jewelry store. As we were exiting the hall, I stood in line behind the bride's store-chain owner and heard him introduce himself to others. It was as if he expected to be recognized and commanded respect by his name alone, but I had no idea who this diminutive man was at the time. Good thing I was respectful and didn't have any off-the-cuff remarks to say.

When asking one of the younger rabbis if there was a particular side of the hall to be seated on, he totally misinterpreted and didn't get the bride/groom connotation, but rather commented that it appeared to be mixed (meaning men and women together) seating and so it shouldn't be an issue. That was amusing - only because of his complete innocence in that it wasn't the question that was being asked of him. But, to be fair, he has a brand spanking new baby at home (like less than a few months old) and so his sleep quotient is likely low at this particular moment in time. Added to the fact that this guy is noted as being particularly jovial for the most part, this could have been an ill-received joke on his part. Either way, it was amusing and I managed to smile about it to myself after we took leave of his presence.

The honors at the wedding were also heavily rabbi oriented. 2 rabbis as witness, one rabbi to read out the ketubah in Hebrew while the officiating rabbi re-summarized it in English. Several of the community rabbis were asked to read sheva brachot with the rest of the honors going to the groom's uncles (Were the bride or groom's father or brothers ever an option here?). The bride did her rotations while being helped by her MIL (to be), her mother AND her step-mother. It was quite a sight when she thought she was going to lose her veil because her mother in law inadvertently had grabbed hold of it along with the train of her dress. If looks could kill!

Strong personalities abound in both these families and in the couple. Their honey-moon trip to some exotic locale is postponed because of passport issues and all they really need to do at this point is get away from all family and friends who think they know what is best for them.

They really just need a chance to get used to living with each other's quirks.

UPDATE: My husband spoke to them two days after the wedding and they are "busy" being newlyweds - Thanks G-d and it is all behind them for now.
I hope they take the advice of the rabbis that were present...
We may or may not still host a sheva brachos reception for them if they want it. Where am I gonna find liabtions to do a l'chaim in my tea-totaller house? - we just aren't big drinkers (anymore-in my case) and give away most of the wine we get too.

Joke of the day

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

6

In honor of the END (I hope) of this year's birthday season for my first-born son who is now six. I must've blinked, cause where did the time go?

Now We Are Six - A.A. Milne
(beloved author of the well known Winnie-The-Pooh character books)

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three,
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now
for ever and ever.

Slimmer who was 'too fat for surgery' sheds half her body weight to save NHS £20,000

For all of us who are struggling with losing weight of any magnitude - I found this article to be truly inspiring. She didn't decide to do it for her daughter or for her family, she chose to lose the weight because she was in constant pain and it has made a world of difference in her outlook on life.

I myself am almost at the weight she was when she started - and I can only blame so much of it on my twin pregnancy. Currently, I am heavier than I have EVER been and I am exhausted a lot of the time. I catch myself breathing hard while not even doing any strenuous activity and it scares the life out of me. I HATE that I am like this right now.

How am I supposed to chase after my 2 little ones if I can barely move myself off the couch. And it is only going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses - I almost wish I might get a touch of morning sickness so I wouldn't be so hungry all the time.

I want to do something about this situation NOW!
Surely there are things a high risk pregnant lady can do to slow the weight gain and keep me off bed rest in the future. I am disgusted with myself and want to get started NOW so it won't be so hard later in the long run.

All suggestions and comments are greatly appreciated.

life's challenges strike again

I just got some disenchanting news that may or may not affect me personally.

The CEO of our long-struggling company has decided to take a position with one of our major investors and step down as CEO of this organization. Strangely, he will continue to office in our office space and be an advisor on our behalf to the board regarding decisions. So he is basically keeping his finger in the pie while distancing himself on paper. This could potentially be a good thing or it could once again spell disaster. Personal problem being of course that my bread-winning job situation is once again possibly in jeopardy.

Recently, our company has been making strides in a positive direction in getting recapitalized in order to free up some money in order to make some money, but I am once again feeling the possible death knoll at the door. This exec that is choosing to leave is one of the few that I respected in the upper eschelons (of course my boss and his boss are not even counted because why would I work for them if it wasn't good on some level - I like my boss's laid-back style, and his boss is a good boss even if he has some personal issues I don't agree with.) We have not gotten raises or bonuses which are almost expected in this industry, and they cut our inflated transportation allowance and our 401K match, but they have recently re-instated the 401K match to half of its former self (which is less than the 10% match that I was getting previously - but that is almost unheard of). Granted, I am not complaining - thankfully I have a very nice benfits package, but it used to be nicer is all...

This is so frustrating ! But in some ways I feel like I am stuck. Who is gonna want to hire someone for 6 months and then wait another 3 for me to come back? And to top it off, I am terrible at interviewing, no matter what steps I take to combat it - role play, etc, I just come off nervous and stiff and not very likeable.

I am really striving to see the positive side right now, so any comments would be appreciated

Blah blah blah - kick - off?

Just felt a definate kick from the one I haven't been feeling so much from before. (10:43 AM)

Been feeling pretty blah the last few days and woke up in the middle of the night shivering again last night. Today it has been really hard to get moving, and yesterday felt pretty crappy most of the afternoon.

Made sheppard's pie last night - cheated on the mashed potatoes and used instant, minus the milk. Yael helped add the "spices" I was too lazy to cut up garlic so I used garlic powder and just for kicks I used Ms Dash to liven up the meat. Then I added a can of tomatoes that had peppers in it - what was I thinking. I couldn't de-spicify that and Yoni wsa NOT pleased.
Tonight he is getting a meal that includes brocolli and corn since he specifically asked for those veggies to be added last night, but it wasn't in my veggie profile for the evening - I wanted peas and carrots in my meat pie. And I made the cardinal sin of adding onions - which he claimed were what made it spicy - and I went with that - go ahead and blame the blanched onions for everything you don't like, kid!

This meal of course was not finished until the late hour of 8:45 since I expected Eran to go to the gym at 9:00. He didn't end up going, but I didn't get started on "dinner" until after 8:00 because the kids had eaten already and it was what I had been planning to make (in my head) for 2 weeks. Too bad it came out spicy - Eran and I liked it :) Also, the fact that Eran closed the store and I worked late and then had to go to a baseball meeting at the JCC - more late night fun. The upside is that I did manange to move Yoni to a team where at least he will know some of the kids. The team I requested to be on was PACKED to the gills with lots of familiar faces and I was irritated that I didn't get to put him on that team despite the fact that I requested it before the reg deadline was over.

Now, I am planning a meaty superbowl feast since I have already ordered a kosher deli lunch box special to be delivered that morning. Maybe I'll go with pigs in a blanket, the kids love 'em! And of course the requisite chips and salsa along with pretzels and potato chips. Maybe also a version of 7-layer dip with no cheese addded...And of course there's always potato or mushroom or beef bureakas with humus and techina and pickles and boiled eggs. Maybe I'll do deviled eggs and stuff them with hummus??? Or an egg salad to complement the deli???
Any other menu suggestions?
Plus, I'm not having many guests if at all - although all who show up are welcome!

Dear oldest child,

Lately, while observing my beloved children, I have seen my patience-trying, not-quite-not-a toddler, "pilpeleet" and my usually more placid oldest son grow before my eyes. The oldest has gone from a spritely toddler to a full-on personality bearing little person, sometimes with a blazing temper (I have NO idea where he picked that up) to match. It is amazing to watch the transformations right before your eyes.

I guess my emotional incubator hormones must be kicking in, but lately I have taken pains to tell my son how happy I am that HaShem chose to give him to us to raise. I even started to draft a letter to him - hence the post title.

Maybe it feels like I give the little one a lot more attention since she DEMANDS it and he is more self-sufficient. For example, last night I offered to take the boy with me to run errands to the store since I always take the girl. He declined at first and then half an hour later he called me (mid-trip) wanting to go to the second store. Since I picked the grocery that most likely had all the items I needed, hoping for one-stop shopping (not necessarily the best or the cheapest or the closest store I admit) I had to disappoint the boy. Meanwhile the girl got to her cranky stage and we both lost our patience, in spite of the Dora DVD that made its way into the shopping cart at the beginning of the trip. Whining that she wanted to weigh things on the scale that I had already passed -for no reason other than to weigh it- promted me to tell her that I wanted a million dollars. A sure sign that I had lost ALL my patience with her. When I got to the car and saw the time it was clear why. Her "witching" hour had arrived and I was caught unaware! Woe is me. We got home as fast as we could after she continued her cry/whine fest because she wanted her library book in the back (with the groceries) instead of next to her - so, I flung it back there in hopes that she would calm down. Not my most proud parenting moments I assure you!

It also may have to do with the fact that the big kid will be "graduating" from the Montessori program they're in this year and will go into first grade next year. And the term Eran has been using to discuss the different programs include ragil (regular, which the school terms as Traditional) vs the Montessori program which is more "flexible" (shall we say? Eran likened it to kindergarten activities for older kids) and more along the lines of what he has been doing most recently. So there is an obvious shift in terms of schooling in that he WILL go to another school next year, weather I like it or not, and he will be considered a "real" student - as if all he has learned up till now didn't count.

So when I finally got home again last night I we were stuck with the State of the Union address on at least 5 TV channels and since it is WAY above their heads (and frankly mine at that hour) I took it as an opportunity to do a little math and spelling lesson. I knew I would be able to read all the highlights and lowlights of the speech on-line today.

I asked the kids if they knew who that man was? They answered his name (kinda) And I asked if they knew what he did? I had to tell them he was President of the United States, but they knew that is where they live. We said that the president had just finished 1 year of his time in his job as president and that is why he was giving this speech on all those TV channels (and they weren't even the favorite channels in our house, so why would we care, but I digress...)
I explained that he was elected for a 4 year job. (Gotta make sure to use terms that speak to your audience.) Then I wanted to know how many years he had left. That was a little abstract so I put my fingers up to illustrate. They got it! So then I told the kids that he may get a chance to keep the job after that for another four years (I was careful not to make this anything political - they need to understand the civics behind the office, not the politics at this point) And they were able to tell me that it could be 7 more years. Mini civics lesson OVER! And as he finished his speech and started handshaking his way out of the room, I hate myself for even thinking/realizing that he was the only black person the cameras showed in a sea of white politicians. Thankfully our local stations showed some of our Congressional leaders' responses, including Pete Olsen, Shelia Jackson Lee and Al Green.

I mentioned that I hadn't seen a book from the teachers in awhile and so that prompted me to try out his oral spelling skills. We did lap and lad and nap and hat and cap. It made me remember the lessons I used to have in my educations courses about how different people learn in different ways. He was able to do most of those words and their sounds (now that he has finally gotten over his ear infections and most recent bout of strep throat with a rash - some people call it scarlet fever) Of course that didn't translate to the page. I am not sure he could recognize all those words easily.

And of course, his fingers are severely peeling since he is (maybe) finally hitting that growth spurt he has been shoveling food down his gullet for the past 3 months in preparation for. We have recently been to 2 snake birthday parties so I said I would call him snake boy instead of monkey boy since he's peeling like a snake. And he replied with a snuggle and said I should call him "snake buddy boy" which turned out to be a real tongue twister for me for some reason. Then he proceeded to poke me full on in the eye with one of those snakeskin fingers [yuck] and it triggered a huge gagging reflex in me. I really thought I was going to lose my dinner (of a most nutritious nature - half a bag of kettle cooked potato chips) all over the living room. I called for a glass of water from my darling in the next room between choking fits and he was TOO SLOW in getting for me. By this point I was crying tears from choking and heaving and he's LUCKY I'm not a puker cause he would've gotten in straight in the face!

This post really took on a more rambling message than I meant. When I began, I meant it to showcase the gush of emotions (pregancy hormones anyone?) I am feeling regarding and around my oldest son lately and not to be a blow-by-blow of the night's events - although there are some that I am proud of and some I would rather forget. But I still WOULD like a million dollars if anyone has that lying around that they want to contribute to my sanity fund.

Enjoy the rest of the week. The weather here is supposed to get awful. Stream-of-consciousness is good (but maybe I need a bell on my nose to let people know when I am chainging the subject - DING!)