more musings

so my Itamar post from earlier this week was still a work in progress as far as helping to solidify my views on the matter.

yesterday, when picking up E I literally jumped down his throat. I guess its not fair to take out my frustrations on where I am on him, but he was an easy target and was totally unprepared for my barrage.

All the hard issues I want him to realize that we are in a different position now than when we left Israel. Granted I left in a bad way. I was DONE. I was going through my first pregnancy alone (my mother and other family were in Texas) and it was a difficult pregnancy at that. Ignorance is bliss - I didn't know it was that bad even, though I was hospitalized 3 different times for observation because of high BP [which still plagues me today] and had bi-weekly clinic appointments complete with urine-protein checks, fetal baby monitoring, ultrasounds with doppler to see and hear the heartbeat of the baby. Thank G-d it was all worth it in the end, but I somehow blindly knew everything was ok, and I realize now that E needed to go through the journey of asking all the rabbunim to pray for the safety of his unborn child who had some potentially catastrophic virus in-vitro.

So I left with a small teaching job that he had arranged for me (less than 10 hrs a week) and he is concerned that I will go back to that low point in my life. That is why I ended up leaving Israel. And that my mother's cancer diagnosis was in the next few months was a really stong coincidence, but that is how my life works. I just knew it was time to come back to TX. I am not 100% sure that the time is right to move back to Israel for me and my family, but the first draft rumblings and warning signs are coming into view.

on their recent trip here, the in-laws and their myriad issues weighed heavily on my mind and on my heart. These are truly simple, down to earth, small town, muddle through life without pretention people, who probably never thought they would travel to America and have now been twice to see their son and maybe more importantly their grandchildren. Now they are not extremely healthy people (nor are my parents, for different reasons, who are maybe 10 or more years their senior) and the fact that we are so far away has been extra difficult on them. The internet is almost foreign to them so even a Skype chat with us has to be at the home of one of the many relatives.
The vast distance and the fact that my mother in law can not readily see her son and grandchildren is becoming more and more of an issue. She calls literally every day and if she does not speak to her son she is not calm till she can reach him or get me word that she is looking for him. They dote on their other grandchild (which is a whole other set of issues) and would love to have all their grandchildren grow up and play together as that is the heart of the culture.

This added to the fact that E is not overly happy with the way things are going here is a big factor. I know he needs to make a trip to Israel, but he is not willing to do so in his current state and this is a vicious cycle.
He is not aware of all the support systems that exist as an anglo oleh. Having been there once and not having completely gotten it out of my system, I know that these things exist and the networks are different even than when I was a single girl as opposed to a wife and mother with small children. which was part of my railing at him yesterday. He has goals and numbers in his head that may or may not be realistic and I think he needs to be made aware of some of the other options that are out there that he is completely oblivious to. He still watches his Israeli TV almost every night and will always and forever be the Israeli he is (see these former posts for proof) Why should he continue to be miserable here amongst things that have no real meaning to us other than an expensive roof over our heads.
His boss recently moved his whole family back to live in Ceasaria in a villa overlooking the sea close to Israel's only golf course. Obviously this would not be the kind of life that we would choose to live. We are living now in a Jewish bubble of sorts. Our kids thankfully go to private school with much financial assistance. Maybe a prolonged visit to Israel would make me see things in a different light. The more things change the more they stay the same. My summer trip felt very comfortable, albeit not in the right medium. My time was not enough of my own and I was forced to some things that were not of my liking.